I'm going to take a minute and get a little personal. I've been struggling a lot lately. We had all these plans and they just haven't worked out. Silly things, that probably don't really matter. One being our dream to buy the home I grew up in on 12 acres, with my parents building on the front property. That has been my goal my whole life, and we were so close, we sold our first home, moved in here with them, and got ready for them to start building only to find out it just wasn't feasible with building prices and the housing market right now.
There were lots of tears, but in the end we decided on building a small home in the town just south of us, while we wait to see if things will still work out with time. But that part of my story is just the beginning... with that came finances we weren't expecting -- therefore pushing adoption farther away.
I have had the hardest time understanding the maternal experiences and promptings in my life. When Garrett and I first married, I was so excited for the next step, I wanted to wait a couple years, I was 18, so I didn't mind the wait, but the urge to be a mother was still strong. When we finally decided to try I had my IUD removed and was pregnant before I had a period. It was amazing. But that was the only amazing part.
Just 6 weeks in, I was diagnosed with sever HG. If you don't know what it is, google it, haha. Basically, there is morning sickness, and there is never ending sickness. And I don't mean “oh I felt sick all day today, and threw up a couple times.” I mean, “I have been throwing up every 5 minutes for 3 months straight, had IV’S, hospital visits, lost 35 lbs in 23 days, and can only eat bananas and lucky charms because they are the only things that taste somewhat decent coming up as well.” It was HORRIBLE. It did finally subside after about 20 weeks, but I had to quit work, drop out of school, and sleep on my bathroom floor for months and fear every day this would affect the tiny human growing inside me. Luckily it all ended up perfectly fine. But I was left scarred.
Call me dramatic, I know a few people in my life who would, but the funny dramatic stories Garrett and I tell in “when I was pregnant” friend and family storytimes, are a very VERY light rendition of what life was like for us the first/second trimester. I still shiver thinking about ever having to live through that again. It was such a dark time. I wanted to be so happy, and I was able to be eventually, but it was a dark time for a while.
Though, in the end, everything turned out just fine, my emotional scars have prevented me from wanting to try again. Families are such a sacred thing. I believe that growing your family is between you, your spouse, and the Lord. I know I am a good mom, I sometimes second guess if my quality of motherhood would be weakened by dividing it among more than one child, but that is another story. I know that I could handle it. I have never wanted more than 2-3 children, but after my pregnancy the desire to bare another child has been so far out of reach. Which has opened our minds to adoption.
I don't know if it all links together, or if I would have felt this way had my pregnancy been more bearable, but regardless, I feel it. And it is strong. I think it's been stronger for me than my husband, mostly because of finances and the last thing he wants is to get us into a bad financial situation, and I agree. At the same time, I know we could afford it. And as “Not Ready” as I am, my heart just feels like there is a spirit out there waiting for the perfect time to come when Garrett and I have the means and abilities to find them, whether that is now or later is up to the Lord.
I was watching Ellie+Jared's video yesterday, and my heart just ached for them. No, our stories aren't similar in a lot of ways. But they are in one, and that is that they know someone is waiting for them, just as much as they are waiting for that someone, but the timing just isn't right. And as a mother going through similar things, my heart is with theirs. I am praying their test was a false negative, because it is so early on, because though I haven't struggled with infertility, I know the pain of feeling the call, and not being able to understand the outcome if it doesn't appear to happen how it feels like it should.
I'm not sure if the feeling is mutual between what they are feeling and what I am, but I would assume it is close, and watching their journey has made me feel peace in the fact that I am not the only one. And their outlook has helped me find the faith I need to keep pushing through. Jared said something that moved me to tears and prompted this spontaneous post,
“It's not a journey unless there's a few bumps in the road.”
I just couldn't help but blink five thousand times trying to keep from bawling in front of my family as I watched their vlog. My bumps may seem like little pot holes to some who have experienced the heartache of infertility, but I assure you they can throw you out of the windshield if you aren't buckled in. Which brings me to my conclusion. (Que: strong religious beliefs beyond this point.)
I am so incredibly joyed to know that no matter how bumpy the road may get, I can find safety and peace in my Savior. The bumps in my journey may make me feel like my car is going to flip, but with his arms around me I know I am safe. I know if I follow the prompting he gives me, and keep him close, I can get through the bumps, and reach my destination. I also know that what I think my destination is, may be different than the one he has in store for me, but as long as I use faith to fuel my journey, it will all be okay.
(Photo Credit: jordanohareart.com)
So from here on out, no matter how confused I am about the timeline and composition of our family, I will use faith to fuel my journey, and pray my way through the bumps in the road. And I encourage any of you experiencing your own bumps in the road to find faith and security to help you through the hard times.
Until next time, be kind, and be you.
P.s. Just for fun, here is a photo of sweet Jackson and Calvin (Ellie and Jareds's little guys) in with one of their custom katahdin Nooks teepees!