It's 11:25 pm, the night before Mother’s Day. My heart is heavy as I still try to make sense of the last week. I thought the closure would bring comfort and understanding, it did the day of, but the longer it goes on the more confused and hurt I feel.
I still can't understand why or how I feel so strongly about something that was never mine to begin with. I think I truly believed she would be mine, that sweet baby girl, safe in the womb of her scared and brave birth mother. How can I love them both so much after two short phone calls and 48 hours of messaging? Why? Why do I care so much? Why does it hurt so bad? Why did it feel so right?
For the first time I'm not excited for Mother's Day. As much as I love my sweet baby boy who made me a mother, I still feel the loss of something that was never mine, and it is leaving my heart extremely broken. I'm not ready to smile through the day, and face all the people in my life who don't understand how I'm feeling. I want to wake up tomorrow and know that I won't feel broken, but I think it is going to take much more time than I imagined.
I just want to figure out how all of this happened, or go back and erase it so I can think clearly again. How can something feel so right, and not be? Why does your heart love things that aren't yours? What was I thinking getting emotionally involved? Maybe I should have refrained from building a relationship. When I was doing it, I thought I was bonding with someone who needed me to be the mother of their child, but she needs someone else, and now I love her too much to just move on.
If I would have done things differently? Would I be talking to lawyers this week, and making plans to be there for her due date? Would I be unpacking our nursery furniture and making the adoption announcement I had so perfectly planned out? Would that baby girl be looking down at me with anxious eyes and giddy giggles, excited for the life I could give her?
Or would it have all ended up this way no matter what I would have said or done differently.
The truth is I will never know, and I will always wonder. I will never stop wondering.