I had this crazy realization last night. At 3 am. Talk about no sleep.
Previously the birth Mother had given us 4 scenarios to read through, and devise a parenting plan to present to her. Not as a test, (thought this whole process feels like one regardless) but more for her to understand our style of parenting. Well I was actually excited for this because it sounded fun, kinda like a game. We talked over the all the scenarios and came up with our perfect answers, and gave her a call to present them.
I felt good, she sounded to like them. But through the day I started over analyzing everything I said. My baby girl (not saying she is mine) could be going to another mother because my answers were TOO perfect. What is that isn't what she is looking for?! What if she wants parents who can recognize they aren't perfect.
My anxiety kicked in because even though I should be level headed through this process, it is very hard when you feel all these completely unexpected feelings for these two new beings that have come into your life. You try to separate the excitement from the Spirit, and discern between the two. It's hard. Love is confusing. Want is even more confusing.
I feel like right now I am in an extremely slowed down moment. A moment where The Lord is putting together a jigsaw puzzle of my life, and he has the next piece, it looks like it should fit, it may just be the right piece, but there is the chance that even though the shape and color seem the fit, once he gets it to the empty space, it may not fit right. His hand is getting closer and closer to finding fitting it in, but like I said, this is all in very slow motion. If you didn't follow that, let me break it down.
The Lord = Birthmom (and her reliance on him in this decision she has to make)
The puzzle = My life and our family
The puzzle Piece = The sweet baby girl
The Empty Space = Our adoption journey
Okay maybe that is a horrible relation, but it is what I picture.
Anyway, late into the night I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, I was thinking about my answers and how they may affect how the sweet Birth Mother saw our parenting style. I started to panic. So I began massaging her. I thought about it and decided to message her now and not wait because she is so understanding, if it woke her up I know she would know I only sent it that late because it was important.
I explained in that message how the answers we gave her earlier were “perfect scenarios” but real life is not perfect, and neither are Garrett and I. We may not react in the “perfect way” we may break once in awhile and give in to tantrums, we may not not have the answer she is looking for until we can think about it, we may want to ground her right away if she is naughty, or we may take a different approach and talk through it with her, I may also get very angry if she betrays my trust as a teenager.
I also followed the Spirit and kept typing, I told her how loved she would be, though I am sure she already knows that. I explained how we would raise her to know she wasn't just a replacement for a baby we couldn't have, she was searched for, we could have kids, but we knew we needed HER. She would be so special to us. I know she will always feel “different” but I hope through our love it will be a good “different.”
There was a lot more, but that was the gist of it. That she would be ours, and she would belong, like a perfect puzzle piece.
The morning went on. And we talked a lot. She shared with me a beautiful and heartbreaking story about her grandmother who has passed. It was a great connection. She decided she wanted to write down her life story and share it with me. I was so excited.
I fell asleep as we spoke, I haven't slept really at all the past two nights. When I woke up, I soon realized that in that hour I fell asleep, something must have happened and a new family had come into her life. The talking slowed down, and I'm pretty sure I was thinking it as she typed, and then the message came.
“Hi, Courtney. I promised you I wouldn't just stop talking with you no matter what happened. But, I do need to let you know that I have found another family and I really do feel like I need to keep moving forward. It was nothing that you did. Nothing at all. This is about finding this baby's family. This has been so hard for me but I need to follow the prompting that I have. I know that you're going to be okay and that there is a baby out there for you!❤️ I really do hope that we can continue to have a friendship. But, if not I can be okay with that too!”
And instantly my heart stopped. But for a different reason this time. I wasn't overfilled with joy, but the love was still there, and so was the understanding. I knew she was being prompted and just following her prompting.
I called Garrett immediately and shared the news. To my surprise, just one tear.
Now I think it sounds silly to say that some healing will need to take place, but we try to keep ourselves from being to invested until I knew the outcome, and so I know we will be okay. Nothing in this has changed our life or our plans, it has just given us an experience that we can hold on too and learn from. My heart is a little broken, but nothing that can't be healed with time.
I pray that she finds who she is looking for for her baby girl. I know she will. And I know we will find the little one meant to find us when it is right.
Until next time, be kind, and be you.