It happened. Something that seemed so far away. One morning I woke up, made breakfast, and checked social media. I found a message from one of our Katahdin Nook Reps-turned friend, who wanted to let me know of a mother hoping to place her baby, and struggling to find the right family!
I got in contact with her, and though she had nearly 100 message requests, I was one of the first she started speaking too. My heart stopped.
The nerves hit. I felt nauseated, dizzy, and faint. We started small talking through Facebook messenger, and I finished up a “portfolio” that I added to the blog in the form of a “Dear Birthmother letter.” I sent it off and waited to hear back. Would I hear back? Or would she read it and move on? Does she want to waste her time with me? I can have children, so why would she give her baby to me? Why did I even try? I should have never said anything. These were all the thoughts running through me head. About half an hour went by.
My phone chimes.
“I LOVE LOVE LOVE your letter!”
My heart stopped again. Did I read that right? I must have. Holy crap. Is this real life?!
With that we continued to chat through messenger. A friend ship started to develope, though I'm sure she was also on guard. This isn't light hearted stuff.
We planned a phone call.
I had one hour, one hour to try and calm my nerves, to practice my “hello” because that would be the first word she would hear me say. I thought about questions I'd like to ask, and tried to figure out which ones were just too much, and which ones would be okay for the first call.
When it was time, Garrett and I sat down and had a prayer. We asked for comfort and guidance, and we asked for the spirit to be with both us and the birth mother. And then we took a deep breath.
The conversation went very well. After the first 5 minutes or so my nerves were settled. She was so calming and comforting. I could tell she was taking this seriously and had a very level head. We got know know her a little better over that call, but the real relationship began after.
We continued messaging and I felt my heart opening up to her, and her to me. I had a much easier time communicating through messages than talking on the phone, and I think she sensed that. My love for her grew so much in those first 24 hours. We messaged back and forth till nearly 2am. And I was so overwhelmed with these feelings that I couldn't hold back. Full on love. Love for her, love for the baby, love for the Lord for presenting this opportunity. Though I was so scared, all I could feel was love and joy.
Through this whole time I had so many emotions. I was on my last nerve, and so extremely happy! I was ready to cry at any second, extremely hopeful, yet scared out of my mind. Just patiently waiting for those words, “I want you to be her mother.” But not knowing when or if I would ever hear them.
The next morning I had some very personal experiences that for now I choose not to write about, but it was a good learning experience for me.
Later that day came and she messaged me first thing, showing me my dear friend who had recommended me in a Facebook message. That made my morning.
I was so interested in her and her side of the process, I bombarded her with so many questions. She was amazing with handling me. I think we both were confused at how we could have such a good relationship in such a short time. I learned a bit about the other mother she was talking too, I was genuinely interested. You would think I felt competitive, but I didn't have that feeling at all. I had to hold myself back at times from saying “let's make a group text, I'd love to meet her!” But I'm sure that would be extremely weird in the circumstance. Though there were some natural feelings of jealousy, I have had this very comforting reminder in my head telling me that is is so good that she is invested in two possible mothers for her baby. This means she has not just one but TWO families that would love and care for her. And though I'm sure the decision would be had to make as a birth mother, it gave me peace to know she had options.
The whole two days so far have been a complete blur. I had a business meeting, met with our builder for the house, lunch with some friends who were trying to help distract me from the emotions, and I honestly don't remember any of it. All I remember is thinking “Will she be able to receive the answers she needs?” “Is it good that we're talking, or does it make it harder for her?” “Have I said all the right things?” “Would that even matter?” “Is there a right thing?” “How is she doing?” “Should I text her and see?” “No, Courtney, don't be stupid, she is probably so sick of you right now.” My mind has been SOOOOO full and it hasn't stopped.
Okay I lied. I remember meeting with our builder at our house, but the only thing I remember is walking into the room we called the office and already planning it out as a nursery. How perfectly it would work as one with the crib and nursery furniture we had saved from kohlman’s old nursery, we bought everything in white because I have always dreamed about having a little girl. How perfect that sweet baby would look all swaddled up, cozy, and safe in our new home. How much love she would feel, and how much joy she would bring to us. How the empty place in my heart might finally be filled, and whole.
I had to fight myself from thinking, because I still had no clue if this was even real life. Or if I would wake up in the morning to a sweet, but heartbreaking answer.
I still can not fathom how so many feelings and emotions can form so quickly. How invested we have become with something that is completely out of our control. I keep reminding myself that it's okay to be invested. But I'm still very scared of the outcome. I just pray that no matter how this ends up, that sweet mother can find the right place for her babe, and that she can feel confident with her decision, because that is what truly matters in the end.
To be continued…
Until next time, be kind, and be you.